How These Days Pass-5

How These Days Pass-5

Saturday, July 19, 2008 at 1:06amThings slowed down a little bit. I want to do so many things for Asif and in such a short time, but people are not doing it at the same pace with me. It's like you walk in such a rush on a muddy road and your shoes get stuck in the mud. You go ahead but your shoes don't. I'm talking about all the things that I want to do for Asif. I don't know when I'll get everything done. Things are moving very slowly.Yesterday on my way from Queens College, I stopped at Asif's house, where he stayed for a few months. It's right around the corner from Queens College. I slowed down my car in front of the house as usual. This house brings back memories of Asif. It was his wish to have his own apartment. He wanted some space and privacy from the family. He gave me an excuse that he wanted to go back to college and the house is close to college. I remember the first day I dropped Asif off with all his stuff, along with some old furniture from the house. Then from time to time I visited him, or picked him up, dropped him off, dropped off food or juice for him. Finally, one day I picked him up with all his stuff minus the old furniture. We were definitely missing him and told him any time he wanted to move back he was welcome. One day he said he wanted to move back in. I was happy and came to pick him up. For whatever reason he decided to move back with us, I'm grateful to have him back. He spent his last seven months with us.I saw a girl walking into the house and I honked. She stopped, I stopped the car in the middle of the road and came out of the car to talk to her. Asked her if she lives there and if she knew Asif. Then I asked if Mike was in. She said yes. I told her to let Mike know Asif's mom is outside. She told me to come in. I said I would rather wait outside in my car. I parked my car in the corner, near Asif's room. Mike's dog Bella was in the yard. Asif loved Bella, so does Nafees. I put Asif's music on, put the volume up. Bella stretched her ears and looked alert. Seemed like she recognized Asif's voice. Tears started to stream down my cheecks. My baby was here, now his voice is blaring through the car stero, "Take it slow..."Mike came out, I wiped off my tears, lowered the volume and talked to him for some time. We talked about Asif the whole time. Mike wanted to have Asif's bike. He said he would paint it white and put it up on the roof where he used to hang out with Asif. He showed me the place on the roof which is right around the corner. They spent a lot of time there, looked at the view and did poetry together. Now that Asif is gone, Mike wants to put the bike up at the same spot where Asif used to sit. It seems good to talk to Asif's friends. They are a part of Asif.

The other day when I came out of the Transportation Alternatives' monthly meeting, I bumped onto Asaf and Jenny on the street. Hugged them and talked to them for a little while. Asaf went to Queens College with Asif and they were very good friends. After Asif's accident, Asaf called for the address of the cemetary. I suggested for him to come at the house. He came along with some more friends. He told me he went to the precinct to find out how the accident happened. We all went together to the cemetary, they paid their respect to Asif. Asaf informed me that at 3pm he and his friends planned to go to the accident site on Queens Boulevard to hold a memorial for Asif. I told them I'll meet them there. At 3pm many of Asif's friends showed up, they brought flowers, cards. Gave everyone a flower and a card to write some thing. They tied and taped everything on a nearby pole. In the cold freezing March afternoon, they all stood around the pole for a long time and shared their memories of Asif. It was very touching for me to see how much they love Asif and how many good things they have to share about him.

Asif is fortunate to have some good friends. My little baby, he grew up to be a good man and now he is a good soul. I feel he is still around me. I just can't and don't think that he will not come back anymore. At the hospital, I didn't want to see his lifeless body, I thought it would be disfigured. We were crying on our own way in that small windowless family room. I couldn't help thinking we were so alone in our grief. But then people kept pouring in. The news of Asif's accident spread like forest fire. My cellphone kept ringing non stop. People kept coming in from everywhere. The small room had no place for all the people, they spilled in the hallway, in the emergency room. They all had seen Asif except for us. Everybody kept insisting us to go and see him.

Reluctantly, I went. He was still in the E.R., on a bed. There were people around his bed. Everybody made room for us. My baby was in the bed. A tube was still in his mouth. His eyes were closed, there was not a scratch on his face. There was no sign of pain on his face. Outside nothing changed, everything looked the same. I touched his face with my both hands, His body temperature was going down. His skin felt cold. I remember repeatedly kissing his face. Touching his thick black wavy hair. Calling his name. He didn't respond to my touch or call. I don't remember what did I say or do. But, I finally realized my baby will not respond to me anymore. The unreal thing is real. My baby left me for real at this prime time of his life. But again I felt this is not my Asif. This is not the Asif I know. He is never so quiet, so lifeless. This is the body, the frame, the outer shell, not my Asif.
To be cont'd...